Day 25: Mullaghmore to Ballyshannon (13.1 miles) and Cliffony to Mullaghmore (2.7 miles)

You might have noticed that I missed yesterday's post. I had a bad day. A kind of emotional full stop really.  My day began at 6am on Glencolumbkille. It was raining and I woke up feeling very sick. I had to get myself ready to leave and plan the day.

Plan the day. This has been the bane of my life recently. Every day I have to find a place to park up Minty, map out the route that I'll walk and figure out how to get back at the end. I have to drive to and from that point and then figure out where I'm going to stay for the night. It turns out that this isn't as easy as I thought it would be. The vast majority of car parks in Ireland have height restrictions on them to prevent vans, caravans and campervans from parking up and staying there. So I begin my day full of uncertainty how it's going to unfold. Getting back to Minty at the end of the walk is another source of stress and I have to admit that this worry sucks all the enjoyment out of the walk itself. And as for finding a place to sleep - that is also not nearly as easy at it should be. In the first place there aren't that many campsites and I have found out that quite a few have no internet presence (so I can't find them in advance) and those that do, don't always allow you to book online or even by phone in advance. It's on a first come, first served basis. You can't just rock up first thing in the morning because the pitches haven't emptied yet and if, like me, you're not ready to find the pitch till the end of the day - you run the risk of there not being anywhere to stay. I have realised that I'm not nearly as go-with-the-flow as I thought I was. It turns out that I'm only chilled out if I actually have basic planning done in advance and know what the structure of the day will be. As much as I'd like to be, I'm not OK with "waiting to see what unfolds".  There are a few things that have happened in the last month that have thrown my sleep cycle off and stress has built up on top of other stresses but I was too busy getting through finishing up work and getting ready for this trip to deal with them. It'd be fine once I got going. Sure I would only have myself to worry about. And that would be fine.

It turned out to be a bit different. I hadn't factored in missing my husband and children so much and being so completely unable to deal with the uncertainty inherent to this kind of project. In the previous three weeks of the walk I'd had everything planned before I left and had a back-up driver on the days where I wasn't just walking from one B&B to another. Now I'm on my own and I'm just finding it too much.

So when I woke up after only five and a half hours of sleep, feeling ill, almost 100km from my starting point, not knowing where I was going to park, how I was going to return to Minty at the end of the walk and where I was going to stay that night, I could feel my composure start to crack. I was starting to feel extremely fragile. I left the hostel and drove toward Killybegs and when the cell signal got stronger I got a text from Tim. I pulled over and read a lovely message and the weight of everything plus missing my family just overwhelmed me and I started to cry.

And I cried and cried and cried.

When I got to Mullaghmore I was relieved to find that I was able to park for free at the spaces near the pier but, as usual, there were very strongly worded notices about camping or parking overnight. It had taken two hours to get there and the pub where I thought I might be able to go to the loo was covered in scaffolding and closed for repairs. I didn't want to walk. I didn't want to put a single foot in front of the other. It wasn't fun. I wasn't enjoying it. So many negative thoughts cascaded over me that I was left surprised and confused by the feelings I was having. What on Earth did this mean? Did I really just want to quit? Was I just scared?

I got into the back of Minty and sat for a while just trying to calm myself down. "Just go and walk," I told myself. "Just start and keep going." But my body was rooted to the seat and didn't want to leave. I was so tired. I wanted to go home.

Eventually it was my need for the bathroom that made me get out of the van. "I'm out now. I might as well just walk." I put my backpack on, shut up the van and set about looking for a bathroom. There was a man in a Hi-Viz vest with "Tidy Town" written on it who was picking up litter so I asked him if he knew where I could go to the loo. "Hang on a second, I bring you there myself, I'll need a key." I thought that this meant he was going to open the public bathroom for me so I was a little unnerved when he asked me to follow him up a side street away from the beach. He stopped about four houses up in front of a very old Scoil Naisiunta (primary school). He walked around the back then opened a side door and said, "The ladies is at the back there, just pull this door shut when you're leaving." And then he walked away. It was clearly no longer a school but was probably used as a village hall. The bathroom was clean and had all the necessaries and was a great relief to me. Bundoran was about 9.5 miles away. I wouldn't have made it. "Ah," I thought, "you're thinking about the walk. Just  go now before you start to wobble again."

And so I left Mullaghmore. I was still feeling sick (which I now realised was anxiety) and the second I put my little backpack on, my back started to hurt me. My body was too tense. As I walked I thought about all the things that were making this adventure a misery and I slipped into a spiral of negativity that I couldn't drag myself out of. I basically cried for the next 11 miles. When I got to Bundoran I was in a lot of pain and even though it was only four and a half more miles to go, I didn't think I'd make it but the thought of not finishing it was too awful to contemplate too. I normally post pictures and little comments on Facebook as I go along but I didn't feel like I could say anything positive so, by way of explanation,  I just put a status up saying I wasn't in a good place today and walked on to Ballyshannon. At least I wasn't on a bloody N-road. It was hard going though. With a little bit to go I looked at my phone and was so grateful and thrilled to see so many encouraging messages, one of which was from my cousin who lived relatively nearby who said to come visit. You have no idea how much this lifeline meant to me at that moment in time. There was somewhere to go. Lovely people to take care of me. I suddenly didn't feel so completely isolated. I was still crying but now it was from relief.

The road into Ballyshannon took ages. The Welcome to Ballyshannon sign was about a mile from the bus station and it seemed to take forever to get there. I knew that my bus (back to Cliffony which was on the main Sligo road about 2.5 miles from Mullaghmore) was at four(ish) and it was just half past three as I walked over the bridge to my destination. I had a half an hour to sit in the sun which had now come out as my day improved. Pathetic fallacy how are ya? The final part of the walk helped me clarify the issue for myself.

To manage this walk the way I intended, I need help. I can't organise, plan, drive, walk and write every day on my own. My days are currently starting at 5.30 - 6 am and finishing at midnight. It's too much. I don't know what the solution is yet but I know I need to change how I'm going to approach this thing or I'll never make it to the end.

As I waited for the bus I had a nice text conversation with Tim and my son. He also encouraged me to take the weekend off, go to my cousin's and take the pressure off. The bus came and the journey that had taken me five hours to walk was driven in 25 minutes. I crossed the road to the turnoff  to Mullaghmore and walked the two and a half miles back to Minty. I still found it hard to let go of the idea of walking the next day even though that was like trying to cling on to a rock when you're drowning. It was too heavy to bear for now. I had to let it go. I set off to be rescued by two beautiful and fabulous women.

The love and care I have received over the last 24 hours has been fantastic for me and my well-being. I've been fed and pampered and given remedies and help and support for my back and the best company and the most comfortable bed and ... well ... I was indeed rescued. I am so grateful to Carmel and Sharon for the most relaxing and perfect night.  I slept until 08:30 this morning. It was the best night's sleep I've had in a month.

I'm meeting my sisters tomorrow in Dublin and coming back here again on Monday. I may take a few days off to reconfigure how I'm going to approach this undertaking.  I still want to do it. I just need to be a bit more clever about it and do it in a way that's enjoyable and life-affirming.

Watch this space.

Total mileage: 343.4 miles

Raising money for the RNLI on www.justgiving.com/Jane-Volker